Sam Kinison

Apparently I've spent just about enough time crying lately. I've been in the mood to laugh (as you can tell by my last two posts). I decided tonight it's been entirely too long since I've heard Sam Kinison's voice. And of course, I've got to share this with you all, too. May he rest in peace.







And a quote from Sam's official web site:

"That's when you know you're pretty f---ed up, when it makes sense to fall asleep... I was driving between Needles and Barstow... It's about 120 miles of desert... It's four in the morning, man... Hey, this is a pretty good time to go to sleep ... (SCREAMS HYSTERICALLY) So I totaled this f---in' car out, man!... I f---in' totaled it! And it made SENSE at the time!"
-Sam Kinison

Hazelden

Another post straight from my inbox. This one is just so cool because I've been in a major funk for a few weeks. I haven't been in a depression like this in years. It's one of those deep depressions where I feel like I'm walking in a fog. The good news is, I know this is only temporary. I have a hard time sitting with my "negative" phases, and I have this overwhelming desire to change it. But this time, I think I'm just going to stop resisting...it's ok to struggle sometimes, it's ok to walk in a fog for awhile, it's ok to not be ok all the time. Without further ado:

Today's thought for Hazelden is:

"Depressions are transition times for me," an older fellow stated. "I look at my lows as a preparation period, an inner time to grow and change even though I'm not consciously aware of what's going on inside me. But I didn't always think this way.

"I used to get terrified when I got into one of those low periods. Every time I did, I questioned everything I ever believed in. I doubted myself and my abilities, my opinions and values, my friends and my boss. Nothing escaped my painful questioning. I thought for sure I was going insane. The pain was so unbearable I wanted to drink, work harder, anything, to distract me from my anguish.

"Now when I get low, I take it more in stride. I think of my depression as part of a natural cycle. Just as nature has its fall, winter, and spring, I, too, have a period of shedding old growth for new growth. I just endure my grey days knowing the sun will shine again just as the trees will bloom after winter. As part of the natural world around me, I, too, have my seasons of joy and sorrow."

Today I will remember that my lows are as natural as my highs. I will not become overwhelmed and exaggerate the significance of my depressions. I will endure patiently, knowing that whatever faces me will pass in time.

You are reading from the book:

The Reflecting Pond by Liane Cordes

You can get these daily reflections here.

Letting Go of Fear

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.

Fear is at the core of codependency. It can motivate us to control situations or neglect ourselves.

Many of us have been afraid for so long that we don't label our feelings fear. We're used to feeling upset and anxious. It feels normal.

Peace and serenity may be uncomfortable.

At one time, fear may have been appropriate and useful. We may have relied on fear to protect ourselves, much the way soldiers in a war rely on fear to help them survive. But now, in recovery, we're living life differently.

It's time to thank our old fears for helping us survive, then wave good-bye to them. Welcome peace, trust, acceptance, and safety. We don't need that much fear anymore. We can listen to our healthy fears, and let go of the rest.

We can create a feeling of safety for ourselves, now. We are safe, now. We've made a commitment to take care of ourselves. We can trust and love ourselves.

God, help me let go of my need to be afraid. Replace it with a need to be at peace. Help me listen to my healthy fears and relinquish the rest.

Feelings

Glorious, imperfect, messy, frightening, ugly feelings. I have a love-hate relationship with my feelings, but it's slowly moving more toward love as time goes on. Feelings were not allowed in my home as a child. Well, for the children anyway. The adults were not only allowed to HAVE feelings, but in addition to that, the feelings of the adults dictated the childrens' lives. For instance, if Mom was in a bad mood, it was perfectly fine to beat the tar out of the children. We didn't even need to be blamed for her bad mood...it was enough that she was IN a bad mood.

I've been fighting back a tremendous sadness for...well, my whole life. I tried ignoring the sadness...calling it something else...covering it up...changing its location...oh, I tried everything. It's caught up with me.

Here's the deal: my family (meaning those I share DNA with) do not love me. Or, if they do love me, they act it out in a really inappropriate way. I have some wonderful friends that I have referred to as my "chosen" family for many years. But it's just hitting me that, dammit, they are NOT my real family. I can call them whatever I want - they're never going to be related to me, and I am never going to be a true part of their family. It doesn't matter how you want to dress it up, true "family" are the people you share DNA with, and that's it. You don't get spares. You might think you have spares (like I did), but those spares aren't the same thing.

Some folks that I thought of as family just up and walked out without a backward glance. Now, with the family I share DNA with, even though I've walked out, we're always going to be connected. And if I were to walk back in their lives, the reception would be a whole lot different than if they were not related to me.

The point I'm trying to make in all these ramblings is that all my life, I've been trying to make myself feel better about my shitty family. I just realized, today in fact, that I don't HAVE to feel better about them. You know what? It sucks that the people who SHOULD love me don't. It sucks that the people who SHOULD support me don't. It sucks that the people who SHOULD accept me don't. And all the friends in the world, no matter how wonderful they are, can't make those crappy feelings go away.

So I'm going to be sad dammit. I'm going to allow myself to be sad, to feel all those feelings I should have felt as a kid when I was being thrown down the hall way and being told I wasn't worthy of my family. It doesn't matter how I dress those things up or try to ignore them...they happened, and they SUCKED!

My Journal

This is where all the heavy stuff happens. All my step work has been recorded in this book (well, except step 4 and 5, which I haven't been able to type out yet). This is where I work through self help books of various kinds. This is where I talk about anything and everything major that is going on in my life. This book IS my life over the last few years.

What's really crazy is that I've only used up about a third of this book. It's got a TON of pages. It's handmade, and I purchased it at a Pagan shop, which makes me feel good. I like knowing that I'm supporting a local artist. I'm not a huge fan of Hello Kitty, but did you notice that she's a Witch? ;-) Yeah, my other car is a broom, too, Kitty.

12 Step Recovery

Every Friday morning, I get up at 7:30 am (an ungodly hour on a day I don't have to work), sign on to paltalk, and chair a Nicotine Anonymous meeting. According to my quit meter:
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I'm Joy, gratefully recovering nicotine addict for1 year 7 months 6 days 17 hours and 12 minutes, and have not smoked 8,813 cigarettes, saving $308.46 , but more importantly, I have saved 4 weeks 2 days 14 hours and 25 minutes of my life.

I guess I'm a little bit proud of that.
I belong to a group called Voices of Nicotine Recovery, which has at least a few meetings a day online, every day. I've been working my Step 6 lately, and recovery is on my mind a lot. Next step: Overeater's Anonymous.