30 Things Overheard at 12 Step Meetings:

1. Treat your mind like a bad neighborhood- Don't go there alone!
2. Ten out of ten people die, so don't take life too seriously.
3. Be profound, funny or quiet.
4. After you talk in a meeting, listen to hear if you said anything.
5. I don't need your help today... Love, God
6. Our sickness is between our ears.
7. Want to hear God laugh? Tell Him your plans.
8. Don't expect to learn about people from books; a person can't fit in a bookcase.
9. Now I can wake and say, "Good morning, God!" rather than "Good God, it's morning!"
10. When I turned myself over to God, I took my life out of the hands of an idiot.
11. When the world comes to an end, it will do so without my permission.
12. If you pray for a Cadillac and God sends you a jackass, ride it.
13. There's no one too dumb for this program, but it's possible to be too smart.
14. All I wanted was to control you, myself, and everything else!
15. My disease is an elephant. As long as I remember it's there, I won't get stepped on.
16. Try praying. Nothing pleases God more than to hear a strange voice.
17. Reality can be hell when you're only visiting.
18. God save me from myself.
19. Keep it simple!
20. We're all here, because we're not all here.
21. Constructive Criticism: I tell you what is wrong with you. Destructive Criticism: You tell me what is wrong with me.
22. My mind is out to get me!
23. I need to get the cotton out of my ears and put it in my mouth.
24. Come to 90 meetings in 90 days. If you're not satisfied, we'll refund your misery.
25. Things I turn over to God most easily are those things already fixed.
26. E.G.O. "Easing God Out"
27. God has never been a problem in my life, but I have been a problem to God all my life.
28. I know that I'm not yet the person I can be, but I thank God I'm not the person I used to be.
29. If you think you're happy, you are. If you think you're wise, you're not.
30. When I don't have expectations of others, anything positive they do is a pleasant surprise!

Letting Go of Fear

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.

Fear is at the core of codependency. It can motivate us to control situations or neglect ourselves.

Many of us have been afraid for so long that we don't label our feelings fear. We're used to feeling upset and anxious. It feels normal.

Peace and serenity may be uncomfortable.

At one time, fear may have been appropriate and useful. We may have relied on fear to protect ourselves, much the way soldiers in a war rely on fear to help them survive. But now, in recovery, we're living life differently.

It's time to thank our old fears for helping us survive, then wave good-bye to them. Welcome peace, trust, acceptance, and safety. We don't need that much fear anymore. We can listen to our healthy fears, and let go of the rest.

We can create a feeling of safety for ourselves, now. We are safe, now. We've made a commitment to take care of ourselves. We can trust and love ourselves.

God, help me let go of my need to be afraid. Replace it with a need to be at peace. Help me listen to my healthy fears and relinquish the rest.

Liz Murray

I could learn a few lessons from her.

Free Books

These are probably not the only books I've gotten for free this month, but I don't feel like hunting down all the past transactions on the different websites and such. So, we'll just say that I've gotten at least 5 free books just this month. I don't normally order this many books in one month, but I did this time because I had a lot of people recommending various books. Four of the five pictured books are self help books (mainly related to family issues). And the one in the middle (this is just a tad ironic) is a book on American Indian legends. I'm a Heinz 57, but more Native American than anything else, closely followed by German (what a combo, eh?).



I've mentioned this before, but it's been awhile. I get most of my books from paperbackswap, but this time around bookmooch had a lot more of the ones I was looking for. Both sites have their own interesting systems (very different from each other), but they're both really cool. Paperbackswap gets more traffic, but bookmooch is international. It's so fun to see which one will have the book I want...or which one will have it first (I have most of my wishlisted books on both sites).

I love free stuff, and being such an avid reader, these sites are two of my very favorites. Of course, it's not entirely free...when someone wants a book from you, you do have to pay shipping. But that's usually no more than a couple bucks. Oh, and on paperbackswap, they have a really nifty box-o-books option where you can swap more than one book at a time. You look at someone else's list of books, pick out a few you like, and make a straight trade, book for book. That option costs a few bucks a year, but it is SO worth it. I made a lot of good trades that way. It's a very nice way to get whole series so that you don't have to use up your credits to get individual books.

Happy reading!

Bein' Lazy

Oh my, I have been such a lazy bones lately about my blog. Posting reruns...psh, what's wrong with me? But, there is something to be said for laziness. I don't know if any of you do this, but I have "pajama days". I don't get out of my pj's all day long. I used to plan a day every week to do this. That day was always Saturday. I would pop in Mystery Science Theater 3000 (need to do an entry about that, too), which my dad would video tape for me every week since I hate tv and refused to pay for it...and during the commercials, I would rush around the house cleaning. By the end of the day, I had gotten my exercise (running around cleaning, up and down the stairs to do laundry, and of course, laughing my buns off...literally), AND had a nice, relaxing day to boot!

Maybe part of the reason I've been taking so many "pajama days" lately is because I don't plan them anymore. It was much easier to do when I was single, had my own place, and didn't need to schedule my activities around another person. I keep trying to get back into a routine, and I just kind of putter along, and eventually my engine dies...again...

Man, this is turning out to be a depressing blog entry! It's not intended to, I promise! The point is, I love being lazy sometimes! Just for giggles, here are my favorite clothes to wear on my pj days:
(I know, I know...my pictures are horrible...but unless I can get Shannon to start taking my pictures for me, they're just going to keep on sucking.) On the left are my blue plaid big dog pj pants, which have an enormous rip right down the outside of the left thigh, and I just don't care...and on the right is a tank top I've had for right around 10 years. Do you ever have those clothes that you just don't understand how they're still around after so many years of hard use? This shirt is one of them. This is one of my favorite pieces of clothing, so I've worn it - and washed it - thousands of times. In the Summer, I practically live in this shirt. And it does not have a single hole in it, it's not faded, and for some reason, it fits me perfectly whether I'm a size 16 or somewhere pushing 30 (all of which I've been since owning this shirt).

Another thing I really like to do, if I'm taking a "true" pajama day (which is always topped off by some quality self-care time) is taking bubble baths! A few years back, my brother in law gave me this awesome thing:

Now, this nifty light box has got to be one of my very favorite things. It lights up in various patterns, and it plays four different soothing melodies. I like to have this playing while I'm in the tub, and maybe have a few candles burning, too. And some incense. Before my genius brother in law gave this light box to me, I just had candles and Lenny Kravitz. Not that candles and Lenny Kravitz are bad, mind you...but this thing is just so cool, and it remains cool after 2 1/2 years of use.

After my fabulous bubble bath, I usually end my lazy days by giving myself a facial, painting my nails, or shaving. [Shaving? Yes, shaving.] My legs usually look like an overgrown forest, and I normally don't care. (I blame it on being a hippie-ish sort of chick, but really, I just hate shaving and don't care what people think of my fuzzy legs.) So, on those rare occasions when I do shave, it's always a treat, and I try to make it special by using some sort of yummy smelling lotion, or (preferably) some Earth Dragon Herbals stuff. (I tried finding a link, but apparently the site has been taken down. Due to the economy, and various unfortunate circumstances, I believe the business has gone under. Poo.)

Oh, and the very BEST part of my lazy pajama days? Going to bed whenever I darn well please...which usually means that this is my first whole day off. The next day, I'll get dressed and go buy car parts or pay bills...but that first whole day off...it's gold, if I use it right.

Feelings

Glorious, imperfect, messy, frightening, ugly feelings. I have a love-hate relationship with my feelings, but it's slowly moving more toward love as time goes on. Feelings were not allowed in my home as a child. Well, for the children anyway. The adults were not only allowed to HAVE feelings, but in addition to that, the feelings of the adults dictated the childrens' lives. For instance, if Mom was in a bad mood, it was perfectly fine to beat the tar out of the children. We didn't even need to be blamed for her bad mood...it was enough that she was IN a bad mood.

I've been fighting back a tremendous sadness for...well, my whole life. I tried ignoring the sadness...calling it something else...covering it up...changing its location...oh, I tried everything. It's caught up with me.

Here's the deal: my family (meaning those I share DNA with) do not love me. Or, if they do love me, they act it out in a really inappropriate way. I have some wonderful friends that I have referred to as my "chosen" family for many years. But it's just hitting me that, dammit, they are NOT my real family. I can call them whatever I want - they're never going to be related to me, and I am never going to be a true part of their family. It doesn't matter how you want to dress it up, true "family" are the people you share DNA with, and that's it. You don't get spares. You might think you have spares (like I did), but those spares aren't the same thing.

Some folks that I thought of as family just up and walked out without a backward glance. Now, with the family I share DNA with, even though I've walked out, we're always going to be connected. And if I were to walk back in their lives, the reception would be a whole lot different than if they were not related to me.

The point I'm trying to make in all these ramblings is that all my life, I've been trying to make myself feel better about my shitty family. I just realized, today in fact, that I don't HAVE to feel better about them. You know what? It sucks that the people who SHOULD love me don't. It sucks that the people who SHOULD support me don't. It sucks that the people who SHOULD accept me don't. And all the friends in the world, no matter how wonderful they are, can't make those crappy feelings go away.

So I'm going to be sad dammit. I'm going to allow myself to be sad, to feel all those feelings I should have felt as a kid when I was being thrown down the hall way and being told I wasn't worthy of my family. It doesn't matter how I dress those things up or try to ignore them...they happened, and they SUCKED!

My Journal

This is where all the heavy stuff happens. All my step work has been recorded in this book (well, except step 4 and 5, which I haven't been able to type out yet). This is where I work through self help books of various kinds. This is where I talk about anything and everything major that is going on in my life. This book IS my life over the last few years.

What's really crazy is that I've only used up about a third of this book. It's got a TON of pages. It's handmade, and I purchased it at a Pagan shop, which makes me feel good. I like knowing that I'm supporting a local artist. I'm not a huge fan of Hello Kitty, but did you notice that she's a Witch? ;-) Yeah, my other car is a broom, too, Kitty.