Unfavorite Things: Mother's Day

First, let me say that I don't dislike Mother's Day by itself. Second, before I get into what makes Mother's Day one of my Unfavorite Things, I should warn you, this is probably going to get a bit emotional. I'm just going to lay it all out here.

I was just kind of happily moseying along, minding my own business, not thinking about my estranged mother, when all of a sudden, everyone and their...well...mother...started talking about Mother's Day all at once. I've been doing so well in this mother-less state of mind...it was rude to jolt me out of it. Not that I can fault anyone...mothers do deserve their own day to be honored, cherished, pampered...I desperately wish I could do these things for my own mother. And it's not that she doesn't deserve it. By virtue of the fact that she willingly shared her body with me for nine whole months, went through the ordeal of labor (which I've seen twice, and I know it doesn't exactly tickle), and the fact that I survived my childhood (barely), well those are all the requirements for motherhood, and therefore, she deserves to be honored, cherished, and pampered.

I was going to explain why I can't honor my mother this year on Mother's Day...but those whose mothers are Narcissistic will "get it" without explanation, and those whose mothers aren't...just won't. No matter what I say, the response would be, "well, did you try _____? I'm sure she loves you. She couldn't have meant it that way." Yeah, she did. Trust me. I grew up with this woman, I know what she did when she had me alone, when she knew no one would ever find out. I don't have to explain it. Besides...I'm just not in the mood to revisit all my childhood trauma right now. Just a little chunk is all I can handle today.

This will be the first Mother's Day in my entire life that I will not at least make some sort of attempt to acknowledge my mother's motherhood. At this point in my life, my lack of communication with my family is necessary. I'd like to think that I will one day be able to have some sort of relationship with them, and still be able to keep myself safe...I just haven't figured out how to do that yet, and right now, I don't have the emotional energy to deal with unsafe relationships. So, as much as it pains me, I'm going to have to skip right over this Mother's Day without so much as a howdy do to my own mother.

This must seem very confusing. I want so much to talk to my mom, to love her, to hold her, to be in her presence...and yet, I'm fuming angry with her, can't stand her, don't want anything to do with her, and cringe at the thought of my phone ringing and seeing her number pop up. I would love nothing in the world so much as if I could give my mom a Mother's Day card and mean every word of it from the bottom of my heart...but I also know that no matter what I say, it will be used against me. (I gave my mom a card once because she was really down on herself, and I was trying to make her feel better...she turned every word around until it was so twisted and deformed that my original message was unrecognizable...and she convinced my dad that I had given her the card just to tell her what a horrible person she is. I still don't even know what to do with that information...how do you react to something like that? This was years ago, and I'm still at a loss about it.)

So, if this seems confusing...well, it is. During the holidays, I was angry that my mom didn't even bother TRYING to call me. However, if she had tried, I wouldn't have answered, and I would have been angry that she had violated my boundaries after I specifically asked for no contact. Nothing makes sense anymore when it comes to my family. Not that it ever did...but at least the dysfunctional, abusive, narcissistic, crazy patterns of my youth were consistent (well, they were inconsistent, but I could count on the inconsistency, as much as I could count on the dysfunctionality, and everything else).

My point to all this is that this Mother's Day is weighing heavily on me. Just thinking about this upcoming holiday is difficult. I wish I could just move to some foreign country where they don't celebrate Mother's Day...just until it's over. I'm glad everyone else is honoring their mothers this year...I just can't handle being reminded every day for the next few weeks that I'm not honoring mine.