Grief

Yes, it's true. One of my favorite things is grief. This is a rather new development, in the grand scheme of things. I didn't even know HOW to grieve until recently (well, it was a couple years ago now, but out of 34 years, a couple isn't much).

I don't think I understood that I had a right to grieve when I was little. My grandpa died when I was 8 (or maybe almost 8)...and I had to hold it together because my dad needed to be taken care of, and my mom was pregnant and couldn't handle any stress. (Apparently I wasn't good at keeping my mom stress-free because not long after this, she beat my head into a brick wall for fighting over a comic book with my cousin...what a naughty little girl I was.)

When my grandma (dad's mom) died, I worried only about everyone else. I didn't start crying until I was told that my brother was able to hear my grandma begging to die because she was in so much pain. I don't know that I've ever grieved her death.

I began to learn about this grieving thing when my cat died...about 2 1/2 years ago. I had quit smoking, and had no way to stop the tears anymore (oh my, what a fantabulous coping skill that was...start crying, no problem! Just light up a smoke, and viola, the tears were gone...on with the show). So, when I found out my cat was going to die, the floodgates opened...and didn't stop for days. She died that night. My husband and I both cried so much that we had nonstop headaches for days. That was when I learned about staying hydrated because crying takes all that moisture right out of you!

Since then, I have slowly begun to tackle grief in little pieces. I joined a suicide support forum to discuss my grandma's suicide. I didn't do much with that group, but it was a step forward. I have revisited the topic of my grandma's death several times since then. It's a huge one. After she died, my grades in college dropped from a steady, solid 4.0 to somewhere around a C average. I dropped a class 2 weeks before the final because I didn't have the emotional resources to deal with my teacher, who was a horrid wench. I have spent probably 75% of my waking hours dissociated since my grandma's death (this was 9 years ago, y'all...that's a pretty huge chunk of time to be "out of it").

I recently stopped seeing my therapist in preparation for a move to my new town. Upon my last visit, I told her that I wanted to go back to school, but couldn't see how it was possible given my inability to focus since my grandma's suicide. She told me I needed to grieve...like for reals...not this "every once in awhile, when I can't hold it inside" shit anymore. Real, honest, messy, soul-emptying grief...I had to actually put in some effort.

Oh lordy...it has been a challenge. One I haven't met very well so far. But my love and I have been processing much lately. The recent deaths of a close friend and a beloved Aunt have my love spinning, unsure of how to tackle the coming holidays without them. And the anniversary of my grandma's death is hovering around this time. The actual date was the 17th, but I always thought of it as "the Saturday before Thanksgiving"...which makes "my" anniversary tomorrow.

It is wild to me to have someone who I can grieve with. This is entirely new to me. When I cry, she cries, too. Not always...it's not a requirement. And she's not trying to "steal my thunder" or make it about her. She's just getting in touch with her own grief. She can be there for me, support me 100% in my own horrible space, while also acknowledging her own pain. How amazing is that?

With or without my wife for support, it is AMAZING to me that I'm able to cry, to touch my grief and allow it to show its face. For most of my life, the only place/time I have been able to cry in front of others has been in spiritual situations. The only other time I shed tears has been on the bathroom floor, safely hidden away from prying eyes...even those of my partner(s), closest friends...and let's not even bother speaking of family.

I still hold the feelings in from time to time, when I can't handle it. I've held the tears at bay all day today, for instance (it's my anniversary, dammit! I should be enjoying today, not crying about tomorrow!). But the fact that I can shed tears in front of others when tears are called for, the fact that I can allow myself to even THINK about the people I've lost, and allow the sadness to wash over me, instead of holding it back...even SOMETIMES...that's huge.

I don't like the sadness...I don't like missing my grandma...I don't like missing out on other parts of life because I'm crying...I don't like recognizing that I will never get to hold my loved ones again or tell them I love them, or share those special moments...but the idea that I can embrace the REALITY of the situation...and let go of the fantasy that it's not real, or that I can ignore it til it goes away...the act of accepting grief as a necessary fact rather than something to be avoided at all costs...this, THIS is what makes grief one of my favorite things.

Because it's real. It's here. It's a part of me. If I'm going to accept myself as I am, I ought to be accepting my grief as a part of this whole being that is me.