30 Things Overheard at 12 Step Meetings:

1. Treat your mind like a bad neighborhood- Don't go there alone!
2. Ten out of ten people die, so don't take life too seriously.
3. Be profound, funny or quiet.
4. After you talk in a meeting, listen to hear if you said anything.
5. I don't need your help today... Love, God
6. Our sickness is between our ears.
7. Want to hear God laugh? Tell Him your plans.
8. Don't expect to learn about people from books; a person can't fit in a bookcase.
9. Now I can wake and say, "Good morning, God!" rather than "Good God, it's morning!"
10. When I turned myself over to God, I took my life out of the hands of an idiot.
11. When the world comes to an end, it will do so without my permission.
12. If you pray for a Cadillac and God sends you a jackass, ride it.
13. There's no one too dumb for this program, but it's possible to be too smart.
14. All I wanted was to control you, myself, and everything else!
15. My disease is an elephant. As long as I remember it's there, I won't get stepped on.
16. Try praying. Nothing pleases God more than to hear a strange voice.
17. Reality can be hell when you're only visiting.
18. God save me from myself.
19. Keep it simple!
20. We're all here, because we're not all here.
21. Constructive Criticism: I tell you what is wrong with you. Destructive Criticism: You tell me what is wrong with me.
22. My mind is out to get me!
23. I need to get the cotton out of my ears and put it in my mouth.
24. Come to 90 meetings in 90 days. If you're not satisfied, we'll refund your misery.
25. Things I turn over to God most easily are those things already fixed.
26. E.G.O. "Easing God Out"
27. God has never been a problem in my life, but I have been a problem to God all my life.
28. I know that I'm not yet the person I can be, but I thank God I'm not the person I used to be.
29. If you think you're happy, you are. If you think you're wise, you're not.
30. When I don't have expectations of others, anything positive they do is a pleasant surprise!

WHAT kind of petting zoo???

Why Does It Also Say "No Fat Chicks?"

Wife, reading advertisement: What is an erotic petting zoo?
Husband: A what?
Wife, louder: An erotic petting zoo!
Husband, looking: That says "exotic" petting zoo.
Wife: Oh, well...that makes more sense.

Pigeon Forge, Tennessee

**Copied from my Overheard In The Office weekly email.

Scrubs

I love this show. But this clip, I have never seen. I LOVE Men Without Hats!!! This clip had me laughing the whole way through. Enjoy!

Sam Kinison

Apparently I've spent just about enough time crying lately. I've been in the mood to laugh (as you can tell by my last two posts). I decided tonight it's been entirely too long since I've heard Sam Kinison's voice. And of course, I've got to share this with you all, too. May he rest in peace.







And a quote from Sam's official web site:

"That's when you know you're pretty f---ed up, when it makes sense to fall asleep... I was driving between Needles and Barstow... It's about 120 miles of desert... It's four in the morning, man... Hey, this is a pretty good time to go to sleep ... (SCREAMS HYSTERICALLY) So I totaled this f---in' car out, man!... I f---in' totaled it! And it made SENSE at the time!"
-Sam Kinison

Free Samples

I'm finding all sorts of stuff to giggle about these days. I found this link to a free sample of something called "Drinking Mate" on shop4freebies today. I almost laughed out loud, but Jason needs to sleep before work tonight...so I giggled quietly. This is definitely going to be someone's holiday gift this year. *snicker*

Random Giggles

In case you can't tell by the picture, this is a bulk bin. The contents of the bin is "coffee creamer". Do you see that label, in big capital letters, across the lid? Yeah, the one that says, "PLEASE - NO SAMPLING"? Is that really necessary? How many people mozy into Winco with a hot, fresh cup of joe so that they can sneak back to the bulk section and "sample" the bulk coffee creamer?

This made me giggle. I mean...really? Seriously?

It made me wish I had a cup of coffee, just so I could turn around to the bulk department employee who was filling the bins and say, "I'm sampling! I'm sampling! Neener neener!"

The Office

I've turned into a complete couch potato this weekend. I rarely watch tv, but I have wanted to do pretty much nothing else the last few days. I've been watching episodes of The Office on the computer, pretty much back to back, the whole weekend. It's been a good weekend.

Chair

I don't know if any of you has seen this, but I've been following the "chair" themed posts over at It's Lovely! I'll Take It!

There was a new one today. Let me see if I can track down the whole story line for you. It's pretty hilarious.

Here is the original chair post.

And here is the link to the rest of them.

Here's Chair catching some rays.



I especially like this picture because, at first, I thought it may have been taken at the same place as my title picture. After careful inspection (the deck is different), I've determined it wasn't the same place...but still a very nice, relaxing view.

Why Parents Drink

A Mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Mom'. With the worst premonition she opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Mom,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you.. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion.......Mom she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Mom. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love,
Your Son, Paul

P.S. Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at Dustin's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer. I love you - call me when it's safe to come home!

Mysterious Skin, and Enchanted

I completely forgot to check in today (well...now it's yesterday). This is going to be another of those quickies. I spent the day doing fun coupon stuff. Went to Albertson's and saved about $40...that was nifty. While I was looking through the paper and clipping coupons, I watched two movies on the computer.

The second movie I watched, Mysterious Skin, I had already watched yesterday. I popped it in the dvd player after the first movie just to have something to watch...and besides, I usually like watching movies more than once. I catch a lot more the second time around.



I first heard about it on a support forum for sexual assault survivors when someone asked what films were healing to watch. This movie was very tough to watch and extremely triggering. But on the other hand, it had some really good acting. I was pleasantly surprised by Elisabeth Shue's performance. I like her as an actress normally, but I always have a bit of an issue with little tics or personal habits (having a hard time describing this one). In all the movies I've seen before with Elisabeth Shue, her speech was always very breathy...every time she said something, she'd empty her lungs before she started talking again. It just struck me as weird*. At any rate, she didn't do that even once in this film. She was very "real", and it was a great role for her. Not the goody-goody she usually plays, but a very likeable character nevertheless.

Ugh, I'm rambling. Anyway, this film probably would appeal to a rather narrow audience. It's very graphic, with numerous sex scenes, some of them violent; the language used is pretty off-the-charts vulgar; and it could be offensive in many other ways. If you're sensitive about pretty much anything, don't watch it. But if you have an open mind, and if you can be emotionally safe while watching, I'd highly recommend it.

The other movie I watched today was much, much more family friendly. I've been wanting to see Enchanted for awhile now because it looked so cute. It certainly lived up to what I expected. I don't really have much else to say about it...I got a few good belly laughs out of it, which was much needed after seeing Mysterious Skin the day before.**



So yeah, it was a good day full of good movies. Oh, I completely forgot, I watched most of The Matrix with Jason while we ate dinner, too. It was a very movie-ful day.

*I think the reason I have an issue with habits like this is that when I'm watching an actor who has the same habit in every movie, it's a constant reminder that this is (for example) Elisabeth Shue, not the character she's playing. Neve Campbell has a similar "breathy" thing she does in all her roles, and I can never get completely into a film she's in. Is anyone else like this?

**Of course, it didn't help much that I went and watched it again right after watching Enchanted, lol.

Am I the only one who isn't able to choose a font size anymore? And if not, is anyone else annoyed by this? I liked getting to choose a font size.

Red Meat

Having experienced a lot of death and gore in my life (I'll explain that in a minute, don't be alarmed), I developed a pretty sick sense of humor. It's pretty common when you work in the fields I have worked in to use dark humor to get through the day. For about seven years, I worked with the elderly and disabled, and for 4 years of that, I also worked with battered women and their children. It can be exceptionally difficult to hear a close friend talk about their impending death, or to walk in on a once vibrant man who can no longer stand on his own and has cracked his head open. I'm going to cry if I keep thinking about it (I miss those guys so much), so I'll just move along.

One of my favorite sources of dark humor is Red Meat comics. My friend, Gloria, introduced me to them when she came out to Oregon for a visit. She brought a few of these comic books with her. If you don't enjoy dark, sometimes demented humor, you're not going to want to click that link above. But if you're like me...you'll get a few good laughs out of it. Click on the dude who looks like Steve Buscemi, and you'll be transported into a whole new world, full of "humor that snaps your funny bone". Enjoy!

Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster

I watched a documentary not long ago about a small town wanting to add "intelligent design" to science classes. It was a little while back, so I don't recall specifically if they mentioned the FSM on the documentary, but I know that, one way or another, that documentary lead me to this website. I laughed and laughed...but in all seriousness, the FSM has really brought to light an important topic...NO religion is "better" or "more important" than any other. At least not in a society like ours, where there are so many various religions. One set of beliefs just CAN'T dictate what everyone in the country should do, when a good chunk of people just don't have the same beliefs.

I'm proud and humbled (yes, all at once) to participate in a Spiritual path that does not encourage a belief in "good" or "bad", "heaven" or "hell", "right" or "wrong". I could never participate again in a belief system that would send most of the people on this Earth to a fiery pit for all eternity...just for reading the wrong book.

Anyway, that's my little soapbox. But that's not what this blog post is about. Earlier, I read the Eight I'd Really Rather You Didn'ts (a take-off on the Ten Commandments), and it really made me crack up. So, I thought I'd share it with you all today. Enjoy!

THE EIGHT I'D REALLY RATHER YOU DIDN'TS

1. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Act Like A Sanctimonious Holier-Than-Thou Ass When Describing My Noodly Goodness. If Some People Don't Believe In Me, That's Okay. Really, I'm Not That Vain. Besides, This Isn't About Them So Don't Change The Subject.
2. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Use My Existence As A Means To Oppress, Subjigate, Punish, Eviscerate, And/Or, You Know, Be Mean To Others. I Dont Require Sacrifices, And Purity Is For Drinking Water, Not People.
3. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Judge People For The Way They Look, Or How They Dress, Or The Way They Talk, Or, Well, Just Play Nice, Okay? Oh, And Get This Through You Thick Heads: Woman=Person, Man=Person. Samey-Samey. One is Not Better Than The Other, Unless We're Talking About Fashion And I'm Sorry, But I Gave That To Women And Some Guys Who Know The Difference Between Teal And Fuchsia.
4. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Indulge In Conduct That Offends Yourself, Or Your Willing, Consenting Partner Of Legal Age AND Mental Maturity. As For Anyone Who Might Object, I Think The Expression Is Go F*** Yourself, Unless They Find That Offensive In Which Case They Can Turn Off The TV For Once And Go For A Walk For A Change.
5. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Challenge The Bigoted, Misogynist, Hateful Ideas Of Others On An Empty Stomach. Eat, Then Go After The B*******.
6. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Build MultiMillion-Dollar Churches/Temples/Mosques/ Shrines To My Noodly Goodness When The Money Could Be Better Spent (Take Your Pick): A. Ending Poverty B. Curing Diseases C. Living In Peace, Loving With Passion, And Lowering The Cost Of Cable. I Might Be A Complex Carbohydrate Omniscient Being, But I Enjoy The Simple Things In Life. I Ought To Know. I AM The Creator.
7. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Go around Telling People I Talk To you. You're Not That Interesting. Get Over Yourself. And I Told You To Love Your Fellow Man, Can't You Take A Hint?
8. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Do Unto Others As You Would Have Them Do Unto You If You Are Into, Um, Stuff That Uses Alot Of Leather/Lubrication/Las Vegas. If The Other Person Is Into It However (Pursuant To #4), Then Have At It, Take Pictures, And For The Love Of Mike, Wear A CONDOM! Honestly It's A Piece Of Rubber, If I Didn't Want It To Feel Good When You Did It I Would Have Added Spikes, Or Something.

In the name of His Noodly Goodness, RAmen.

Free Stuff!

Check out what I got in the mail today!

The book on the left came from bookmooch (I prefer paperbackswap, but this time, bookmooch did come in handy).

The book on the right was a freebie from Jiffy.

The Old Spice, Metamucil, and Prilosec were from shop4freebies.

The coupons on the left came from the inside of the freebie packages, except for the white ones. Those came directly from Iams. I was hoping for the $5 off coupons everyone was talking about, but these were only worth $2.

The rest of the coupons came from Hot Coupon World; two from trades, and one Random Act Of Kindness because our dog has a cool name.

And now just for giggles, here's the story behind the RAOK. Someone posted that they were giving away a stack of pet coupons. She wanted to know the names of our pets, and she would choose who won based on the pets' names. Now, I'm sure I haven't told you all about Kreaux, so here's the story of our sooper cool dog, and how he got his name (FYI, I won the RAOK because the person offering it is a big MST3K fan...you'll find out what that means in a minute):

(That's him doing his, "I'm bored" face, resting his nose on the window. He looks vicious, doesn't he? But he does this every time he's bored...he puts his nose up against a surface and sighs repeatedly.)

Not long after I started my job, one of the teachers brought in this adorable dog who kept laying his head on my arm and looking up at me with these big, sad eyes. The teacher said that if he couldn't find the dog's owners, he would be looking for a home for him. I talked to Jason, and we decided to bring him home. Rowdy wanted a brother...he was lonely.

It took us four days to come up with a name. We wanted to honor his most prominent feature:

Look at those ears! Finally, it came to us...he looks like Crow from Mystery Science Theater 3000!

But we - being the dorks we are - couldn't just leave his name as "Crow". On one episode, Tom Servo decided that his name was no longer Servo. He would only answer to Serveaux thereafter. So, our awesome Pit Bull/Dingo puppy, Kreaux, is actually named after Crow T. Robot, and Tom Serveaux.

Rowdy doesn't care what we call him. He just likes having a brother.

Paloma Faith

Funny Blogs

One of my very favorite things is reading funny blogs. I know there are tons out there, but here are some of my favorites, and I'm linking the titles to my favorite posts:

Cake Wrecks
Fail Blog
LOL Cats (also take a peek at the other blogs along the top row)
Passive Aggressive Notes
Overheard In The Office (be sure to check out all the links at the top of this page, too)

If you're like me, you're going to be obsessing over these for the next week or so. Hehe. My quest for world domination has begun.

Harry Potter

Ok, I'm not a HUGE Harry Potter fan (as evidenced by the fact that I've only read one or two of the books...and I don't even remember which ones), but I have always wanted to read the whole series. So FINALLY, with the awesomely wonderful assistance of paperbackswap and bookmooch, I have all seven books! I've started a reading marathon. So far, I've gotten a little over half way through the first book (it's been so long that I've decided to just start over).

And by the way, the picture wasn't chosen at random. That one book has caused me a whole lotta grief. I thought I had all seven books. So I'm packing up for a four day trip (which has become five days), and I want to start on my Harry Potter marathon while I'm gone, right? So, I pack up all my books, and I only have six. Hmmmmmmm...that's uncool. So, I'm rummaging around my house frantically, desperately searching for this missing book, trying to figure out which one it is, and in general trying to keep my head from flying off my shoulders.

Eventually I just came to terms with the fact that I was hallucinating and didn't have all seven books after all. Hopped on paperbackswap really quick, ordered the book, and figured it was no biggie and I could just read the first five books for now, knowing that this one would arrive soon enough.

Still rushing around like a chicken with my head cut off, I ran to the bathroom to grab last minute items, and the book was sitting there. In the freakin' bathroom. Why? I don't know, ask blondie...oh wait, that's right...that's me. (The red is supposed to be a clever cover for my true scatterbrained nature. It's not working. Next time, I'm totally going with purple.)

So, another quick trip to paperbackswap to cancel the book, and I was out the door. Finally.

Weird Al

Then:


And now:
(Embedding has been disabled, so all you get is a link...I'm going to go mumble now.)

(Had to edit to add this.) The TRUE Master of Disguise.