I sit in front of this computer way too much. I know what you're thinking. "Why don't you post more often then?!?" I know, I know... But my point is that I need to spend LESS time in front of this box. So I was going to start setting my kitchen timer for 15 minutes at a time to remind me to get up and do stuff. We have THREE kitchen timers. Two of them are really nifty...they have magnets so they'll stick to the fridge, and little stands in the back so that you can stand them up and watch the time, and all kinds of nifty features. Do you think either one of these were ON the fridge? Nope. Neither was the regular kitchen timer on the shelf, where it belongs. I know, nice, right? Ugh!
But I'm determined to set some kind of alarm. I hate using the timer on the stove (I don't know why), the one on my phone is annoying and my hearing isn't good enough to use the one in my bedroom. So, I decided to look online to see if I could find some kind of alarm. Viola! Here it is, an online alarm clock! It even has different ringers. I personally prefer the guitar. :-D
Showing posts with label self care. Show all posts
Showing posts with label self care. Show all posts
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Friday, June 26, 2009
30 Things Overheard at 12 Step Meetings:
1. Treat your mind like a bad neighborhood- Don't go there alone!
2. Ten out of ten people die, so don't take life too seriously.
3. Be profound, funny or quiet.
4. After you talk in a meeting, listen to hear if you said anything.
5. I don't need your help today... Love, God
6. Our sickness is between our ears.
7. Want to hear God laugh? Tell Him your plans.
8. Don't expect to learn about people from books; a person can't fit in a bookcase.
9. Now I can wake and say, "Good morning, God!" rather than "Good God, it's morning!"
10. When I turned myself over to God, I took my life out of the hands of an idiot.
11. When the world comes to an end, it will do so without my permission.
12. If you pray for a Cadillac and God sends you a jackass, ride it.
13. There's no one too dumb for this program, but it's possible to be too smart.
14. All I wanted was to control you, myself, and everything else!
15. My disease is an elephant. As long as I remember it's there, I won't get stepped on.
16. Try praying. Nothing pleases God more than to hear a strange voice.
17. Reality can be hell when you're only visiting.
18. God save me from myself.
19. Keep it simple!
20. We're all here, because we're not all here.
21. Constructive Criticism: I tell you what is wrong with you. Destructive Criticism: You tell me what is wrong with me.
22. My mind is out to get me!
23. I need to get the cotton out of my ears and put it in my mouth.
24. Come to 90 meetings in 90 days. If you're not satisfied, we'll refund your misery.
25. Things I turn over to God most easily are those things already fixed.
26. E.G.O. "Easing God Out"
27. God has never been a problem in my life, but I have been a problem to God all my life.
28. I know that I'm not yet the person I can be, but I thank God I'm not the person I used to be.
29. If you think you're happy, you are. If you think you're wise, you're not.
30. When I don't have expectations of others, anything positive they do is a pleasant surprise!
2. Ten out of ten people die, so don't take life too seriously.
3. Be profound, funny or quiet.
4. After you talk in a meeting, listen to hear if you said anything.
5. I don't need your help today... Love, God
6. Our sickness is between our ears.
7. Want to hear God laugh? Tell Him your plans.
8. Don't expect to learn about people from books; a person can't fit in a bookcase.
9. Now I can wake and say, "Good morning, God!" rather than "Good God, it's morning!"
10. When I turned myself over to God, I took my life out of the hands of an idiot.
11. When the world comes to an end, it will do so without my permission.
12. If you pray for a Cadillac and God sends you a jackass, ride it.
13. There's no one too dumb for this program, but it's possible to be too smart.
14. All I wanted was to control you, myself, and everything else!
15. My disease is an elephant. As long as I remember it's there, I won't get stepped on.
16. Try praying. Nothing pleases God more than to hear a strange voice.
17. Reality can be hell when you're only visiting.
18. God save me from myself.
19. Keep it simple!
20. We're all here, because we're not all here.
21. Constructive Criticism: I tell you what is wrong with you. Destructive Criticism: You tell me what is wrong with me.
22. My mind is out to get me!
23. I need to get the cotton out of my ears and put it in my mouth.
24. Come to 90 meetings in 90 days. If you're not satisfied, we'll refund your misery.
25. Things I turn over to God most easily are those things already fixed.
26. E.G.O. "Easing God Out"
27. God has never been a problem in my life, but I have been a problem to God all my life.
28. I know that I'm not yet the person I can be, but I thank God I'm not the person I used to be.
29. If you think you're happy, you are. If you think you're wise, you're not.
30. When I don't have expectations of others, anything positive they do is a pleasant surprise!
Sunday, May 17, 2009
"You Don't Have To Do Any More Work To Be A Good Person..."
I just heard this quote, and it floored me.
"You don't have to do any more work to be a good person, ok? You can take the rest of your life off." ~Eve Ensler
From this film (the link takes you to the netflix page where you can watch this film online).
"You don't have to do any more work to be a good person, ok? You can take the rest of your life off." ~Eve Ensler
From this film (the link takes you to the netflix page where you can watch this film online).
Monday, May 11, 2009
Next To The Last Song
I just had to go and watch it again. And when I did, I took a page from Selma's book...I couldn't finish the movie. Selma (the main character in Dancer In The Dark) hates the end of musicals. She would leave the theater after the next to the last song so that she would miss the ending. After pretty well dehydrating myself two nights in a row, I decided to spare myself the very end this time. I stopped it half a verse before the end of the last song.
I don't know if many of you have heard Bjork sing, but sometimes the words aren't completely clear. I didn't know what all the words to this song were, so I looked them up. For all the tears I cried reading the words to the song, I may as well have watched the very end anyway. Man, this is an emotional film.
Fitting way to spend Mother's Day.
Next To The Last Song
Dear Gene, of course you are here
And now it's nothing to fear
Oooh, I should have known
Oooh, I was never alone
This isn't the last song
There is no violin
The choir is so quiet
And no one takes a spin
This is the next to last song
And that's all, all
Remember what I have said
Remember, wrap up the bread
Do this, do that, make your bed
This isn't the last song
There is no violin
The choir is quiet
And no one takes a spin
This is the next to last song
And that's all ...
I don't know if many of you have heard Bjork sing, but sometimes the words aren't completely clear. I didn't know what all the words to this song were, so I looked them up. For all the tears I cried reading the words to the song, I may as well have watched the very end anyway. Man, this is an emotional film.
Fitting way to spend Mother's Day.
Next To The Last Song
Dear Gene, of course you are here
And now it's nothing to fear
Oooh, I should have known
Oooh, I was never alone
This isn't the last song
There is no violin
The choir is so quiet
And no one takes a spin
This is the next to last song
And that's all, all
Remember what I have said
Remember, wrap up the bread
Do this, do that, make your bed
This isn't the last song
There is no violin
The choir is quiet
And no one takes a spin
This is the next to last song
And that's all ...
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Shel Silverstein
I just got a new Shel Silverstein book in the mail today, so I had to share.
I remember reading a lot of Shel Silverstein's poems in elementary school, but I didn't know who he was until I was in my 20's. At that point, I started collecting his books. They've come to some use when reading to nieces and nephews (and when I'm just having a down day...you can't frown while reading "Backwards Bill"). But lately, my Shel Silverstein books have been gathering a lot of dust.
*whimper* I want kids.
Enough with that. This book was a lot of fun. It reads a lot like a Dr. Suess book. Very cute.
I remember reading a lot of Shel Silverstein's poems in elementary school, but I didn't know who he was until I was in my 20's. At that point, I started collecting his books. They've come to some use when reading to nieces and nephews (and when I'm just having a down day...you can't frown while reading "Backwards Bill"). But lately, my Shel Silverstein books have been gathering a lot of dust.
*whimper* I want kids.
Enough with that. This book was a lot of fun. It reads a lot like a Dr. Suess book. Very cute.
Friday, May 8, 2009
Hazelden
Another post straight from my inbox. This one is just so cool because I've been in a major funk for a few weeks. I haven't been in a depression like this in years. It's one of those deep depressions where I feel like I'm walking in a fog. The good news is, I know this is only temporary. I have a hard time sitting with my "negative" phases, and I have this overwhelming desire to change it. But this time, I think I'm just going to stop resisting...it's ok to struggle sometimes, it's ok to walk in a fog for awhile, it's ok to not be ok all the time. Without further ado:
Today's thought for Hazelden is:
"Depressions are transition times for me," an older fellow stated. "I look at my lows as a preparation period, an inner time to grow and change even though I'm not consciously aware of what's going on inside me. But I didn't always think this way.
"I used to get terrified when I got into one of those low periods. Every time I did, I questioned everything I ever believed in. I doubted myself and my abilities, my opinions and values, my friends and my boss. Nothing escaped my painful questioning. I thought for sure I was going insane. The pain was so unbearable I wanted to drink, work harder, anything, to distract me from my anguish.
"Now when I get low, I take it more in stride. I think of my depression as part of a natural cycle. Just as nature has its fall, winter, and spring, I, too, have a period of shedding old growth for new growth. I just endure my grey days knowing the sun will shine again just as the trees will bloom after winter. As part of the natural world around me, I, too, have my seasons of joy and sorrow."
Today I will remember that my lows are as natural as my highs. I will not become overwhelmed and exaggerate the significance of my depressions. I will endure patiently, knowing that whatever faces me will pass in time.
You are reading from the book:
The Reflecting Pond by Liane Cordes
You can get these daily reflections here.
Today's thought for Hazelden is:
"Depressions are transition times for me," an older fellow stated. "I look at my lows as a preparation period, an inner time to grow and change even though I'm not consciously aware of what's going on inside me. But I didn't always think this way.
"I used to get terrified when I got into one of those low periods. Every time I did, I questioned everything I ever believed in. I doubted myself and my abilities, my opinions and values, my friends and my boss. Nothing escaped my painful questioning. I thought for sure I was going insane. The pain was so unbearable I wanted to drink, work harder, anything, to distract me from my anguish.
"Now when I get low, I take it more in stride. I think of my depression as part of a natural cycle. Just as nature has its fall, winter, and spring, I, too, have a period of shedding old growth for new growth. I just endure my grey days knowing the sun will shine again just as the trees will bloom after winter. As part of the natural world around me, I, too, have my seasons of joy and sorrow."
Today I will remember that my lows are as natural as my highs. I will not become overwhelmed and exaggerate the significance of my depressions. I will endure patiently, knowing that whatever faces me will pass in time.
You are reading from the book:
The Reflecting Pond by Liane Cordes
You can get these daily reflections here.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Letting Go of Fear
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
Fear is at the core of codependency. It can motivate us to control situations or neglect ourselves.
Many of us have been afraid for so long that we don't label our feelings fear. We're used to feeling upset and anxious. It feels normal.
Peace and serenity may be uncomfortable.
At one time, fear may have been appropriate and useful. We may have relied on fear to protect ourselves, much the way soldiers in a war rely on fear to help them survive. But now, in recovery, we're living life differently.
It's time to thank our old fears for helping us survive, then wave good-bye to them. Welcome peace, trust, acceptance, and safety. We don't need that much fear anymore. We can listen to our healthy fears, and let go of the rest.
We can create a feeling of safety for ourselves, now. We are safe, now. We've made a commitment to take care of ourselves. We can trust and love ourselves.
God, help me let go of my need to be afraid. Replace it with a need to be at peace. Help me listen to my healthy fears and relinquish the rest.
Fear is at the core of codependency. It can motivate us to control situations or neglect ourselves.
Many of us have been afraid for so long that we don't label our feelings fear. We're used to feeling upset and anxious. It feels normal.
Peace and serenity may be uncomfortable.
At one time, fear may have been appropriate and useful. We may have relied on fear to protect ourselves, much the way soldiers in a war rely on fear to help them survive. But now, in recovery, we're living life differently.
It's time to thank our old fears for helping us survive, then wave good-bye to them. Welcome peace, trust, acceptance, and safety. We don't need that much fear anymore. We can listen to our healthy fears, and let go of the rest.
We can create a feeling of safety for ourselves, now. We are safe, now. We've made a commitment to take care of ourselves. We can trust and love ourselves.
God, help me let go of my need to be afraid. Replace it with a need to be at peace. Help me listen to my healthy fears and relinquish the rest.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Free Books
These are probably not the only books I've gotten for free this month, but I don't feel like hunting down all the past transactions on the different websites and such. So, we'll just say that I've gotten at least 5 free books just this month. I don't normally order this many books in one month, but I did this time because I had a lot of people recommending various books. Four of the five pictured books are self help books (mainly related to family issues). And the one in the middle (this is just a tad ironic) is a book on American Indian legends. I'm a Heinz 57, but more Native American than anything else, closely followed by German (what a combo, eh?).
I've mentioned this before, but it's been awhile. I get most of my books from paperbackswap, but this time around bookmooch had a lot more of the ones I was looking for. Both sites have their own interesting systems (very different from each other), but they're both really cool. Paperbackswap gets more traffic, but bookmooch is international. It's so fun to see which one will have the book I want...or which one will have it first (I have most of my wishlisted books on both sites).
I love free stuff, and being such an avid reader, these sites are two of my very favorites. Of course, it's not entirely free...when someone wants a book from you, you do have to pay shipping. But that's usually no more than a couple bucks. Oh, and on paperbackswap, they have a really nifty box-o-books option where you can swap more than one book at a time. You look at someone else's list of books, pick out a few you like, and make a straight trade, book for book. That option costs a few bucks a year, but it is SO worth it. I made a lot of good trades that way. It's a very nice way to get whole series so that you don't have to use up your credits to get individual books.
Happy reading!
I've mentioned this before, but it's been awhile. I get most of my books from paperbackswap, but this time around bookmooch had a lot more of the ones I was looking for. Both sites have their own interesting systems (very different from each other), but they're both really cool. Paperbackswap gets more traffic, but bookmooch is international. It's so fun to see which one will have the book I want...or which one will have it first (I have most of my wishlisted books on both sites).
I love free stuff, and being such an avid reader, these sites are two of my very favorites. Of course, it's not entirely free...when someone wants a book from you, you do have to pay shipping. But that's usually no more than a couple bucks. Oh, and on paperbackswap, they have a really nifty box-o-books option where you can swap more than one book at a time. You look at someone else's list of books, pick out a few you like, and make a straight trade, book for book. That option costs a few bucks a year, but it is SO worth it. I made a lot of good trades that way. It's a very nice way to get whole series so that you don't have to use up your credits to get individual books.
Happy reading!
Monday, April 27, 2009
Mysterious Skin, and Enchanted
I completely forgot to check in today (well...now it's yesterday). This is going to be another of those quickies. I spent the day doing fun coupon stuff. Went to Albertson's and saved about $40...that was nifty. While I was looking through the paper and clipping coupons, I watched two movies on the computer.
The second movie I watched, Mysterious Skin, I had already watched yesterday. I popped it in the dvd player after the first movie just to have something to watch...and besides, I usually like watching movies more than once. I catch a lot more the second time around.
I first heard about it on a support forum for sexual assault survivors when someone asked what films were healing to watch. This movie was very tough to watch and extremely triggering. But on the other hand, it had some really good acting. I was pleasantly surprised by Elisabeth Shue's performance. I like her as an actress normally, but I always have a bit of an issue with little tics or personal habits (having a hard time describing this one). In all the movies I've seen before with Elisabeth Shue, her speech was always very breathy...every time she said something, she'd empty her lungs before she started talking again. It just struck me as weird*. At any rate, she didn't do that even once in this film. She was very "real", and it was a great role for her. Not the goody-goody she usually plays, but a very likeable character nevertheless.
Ugh, I'm rambling. Anyway, this film probably would appeal to a rather narrow audience. It's very graphic, with numerous sex scenes, some of them violent; the language used is pretty off-the-charts vulgar; and it could be offensive in many other ways. If you're sensitive about pretty much anything, don't watch it. But if you have an open mind, and if you can be emotionally safe while watching, I'd highly recommend it.
The other movie I watched today was much, much more family friendly. I've been wanting to see Enchanted for awhile now because it looked so cute. It certainly lived up to what I expected. I don't really have much else to say about it...I got a few good belly laughs out of it, which was much needed after seeing Mysterious Skin the day before.**
So yeah, it was a good day full of good movies. Oh, I completely forgot, I watched most of The Matrix with Jason while we ate dinner, too. It was a very movie-ful day.
*I think the reason I have an issue with habits like this is that when I'm watching an actor who has the same habit in every movie, it's a constant reminder that this is (for example) Elisabeth Shue, not the character she's playing. Neve Campbell has a similar "breathy" thing she does in all her roles, and I can never get completely into a film she's in. Is anyone else like this?
**Of course, it didn't help much that I went and watched it again right after watching Enchanted, lol.
Am I the only one who isn't able to choose a font size anymore? And if not, is anyone else annoyed by this? I liked getting to choose a font size.
The second movie I watched, Mysterious Skin, I had already watched yesterday. I popped it in the dvd player after the first movie just to have something to watch...and besides, I usually like watching movies more than once. I catch a lot more the second time around.
I first heard about it on a support forum for sexual assault survivors when someone asked what films were healing to watch. This movie was very tough to watch and extremely triggering. But on the other hand, it had some really good acting. I was pleasantly surprised by Elisabeth Shue's performance. I like her as an actress normally, but I always have a bit of an issue with little tics or personal habits (having a hard time describing this one). In all the movies I've seen before with Elisabeth Shue, her speech was always very breathy...every time she said something, she'd empty her lungs before she started talking again. It just struck me as weird*. At any rate, she didn't do that even once in this film. She was very "real", and it was a great role for her. Not the goody-goody she usually plays, but a very likeable character nevertheless.
Ugh, I'm rambling. Anyway, this film probably would appeal to a rather narrow audience. It's very graphic, with numerous sex scenes, some of them violent; the language used is pretty off-the-charts vulgar; and it could be offensive in many other ways. If you're sensitive about pretty much anything, don't watch it. But if you have an open mind, and if you can be emotionally safe while watching, I'd highly recommend it.
The other movie I watched today was much, much more family friendly. I've been wanting to see Enchanted for awhile now because it looked so cute. It certainly lived up to what I expected. I don't really have much else to say about it...I got a few good belly laughs out of it, which was much needed after seeing Mysterious Skin the day before.**
So yeah, it was a good day full of good movies. Oh, I completely forgot, I watched most of The Matrix with Jason while we ate dinner, too. It was a very movie-ful day.
*I think the reason I have an issue with habits like this is that when I'm watching an actor who has the same habit in every movie, it's a constant reminder that this is (for example) Elisabeth Shue, not the character she's playing. Neve Campbell has a similar "breathy" thing she does in all her roles, and I can never get completely into a film she's in. Is anyone else like this?
**Of course, it didn't help much that I went and watched it again right after watching Enchanted, lol.
Am I the only one who isn't able to choose a font size anymore? And if not, is anyone else annoyed by this? I liked getting to choose a font size.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Red Meat
Having experienced a lot of death and gore in my life (I'll explain that in a minute, don't be alarmed), I developed a pretty sick sense of humor. It's pretty common when you work in the fields I have worked in to use dark humor to get through the day. For about seven years, I worked with the elderly and disabled, and for 4 years of that, I also worked with battered women and their children. It can be exceptionally difficult to hear a close friend talk about their impending death, or to walk in on a once vibrant man who can no longer stand on his own and has cracked his head open. I'm going to cry if I keep thinking about it (I miss those guys so much), so I'll just move along.
One of my favorite sources of dark humor is Red Meat comics. My friend, Gloria, introduced me to them when she came out to Oregon for a visit. She brought a few of these comic books with her. If you don't enjoy dark, sometimes demented humor, you're not going to want to click that link above. But if you're like me...you'll get a few good laughs out of it. Click on the dude who looks like Steve Buscemi, and you'll be transported into a whole new world, full of "humor that snaps your funny bone". Enjoy!
One of my favorite sources of dark humor is Red Meat comics. My friend, Gloria, introduced me to them when she came out to Oregon for a visit. She brought a few of these comic books with her. If you don't enjoy dark, sometimes demented humor, you're not going to want to click that link above. But if you're like me...you'll get a few good laughs out of it. Click on the dude who looks like Steve Buscemi, and you'll be transported into a whole new world, full of "humor that snaps your funny bone". Enjoy!
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Unfavorite Things: Mother's Day
First, let me say that I don't dislike Mother's Day by itself. Second, before I get into what makes Mother's Day one of my Unfavorite Things, I should warn you, this is probably going to get a bit emotional. I'm just going to lay it all out here.
I was just kind of happily moseying along, minding my own business, not thinking about my estranged mother, when all of a sudden, everyone and their...well...mother...started talking about Mother's Day all at once. I've been doing so well in this mother-less state of mind...it was rude to jolt me out of it. Not that I can fault anyone...mothers do deserve their own day to be honored, cherished, pampered...I desperately wish I could do these things for my own mother. And it's not that she doesn't deserve it. By virtue of the fact that she willingly shared her body with me for nine whole months, went through the ordeal of labor (which I've seen twice, and I know it doesn't exactly tickle), and the fact that I survived my childhood (barely), well those are all the requirements for motherhood, and therefore, she deserves to be honored, cherished, and pampered.
I was going to explain why I can't honor my mother this year on Mother's Day...but those whose mothers are Narcissistic will "get it" without explanation, and those whose mothers aren't...just won't. No matter what I say, the response would be, "well, did you try _____? I'm sure she loves you. She couldn't have meant it that way." Yeah, she did. Trust me. I grew up with this woman, I know what she did when she had me alone, when she knew no one would ever find out. I don't have to explain it. Besides...I'm just not in the mood to revisit all my childhood trauma right now. Just a little chunk is all I can handle today.
This will be the first Mother's Day in my entire life that I will not at least make some sort of attempt to acknowledge my mother's motherhood. At this point in my life, my lack of communication with my family is necessary. I'd like to think that I will one day be able to have some sort of relationship with them, and still be able to keep myself safe...I just haven't figured out how to do that yet, and right now, I don't have the emotional energy to deal with unsafe relationships. So, as much as it pains me, I'm going to have to skip right over this Mother's Day without so much as a howdy do to my own mother.
This must seem very confusing. I want so much to talk to my mom, to love her, to hold her, to be in her presence...and yet, I'm fuming angry with her, can't stand her, don't want anything to do with her, and cringe at the thought of my phone ringing and seeing her number pop up. I would love nothing in the world so much as if I could give my mom a Mother's Day card and mean every word of it from the bottom of my heart...but I also know that no matter what I say, it will be used against me. (I gave my mom a card once because she was really down on herself, and I was trying to make her feel better...she turned every word around until it was so twisted and deformed that my original message was unrecognizable...and she convinced my dad that I had given her the card just to tell her what a horrible person she is. I still don't even know what to do with that information...how do you react to something like that? This was years ago, and I'm still at a loss about it.)
So, if this seems confusing...well, it is. During the holidays, I was angry that my mom didn't even bother TRYING to call me. However, if she had tried, I wouldn't have answered, and I would have been angry that she had violated my boundaries after I specifically asked for no contact. Nothing makes sense anymore when it comes to my family. Not that it ever did...but at least the dysfunctional, abusive, narcissistic, crazy patterns of my youth were consistent (well, they were inconsistent, but I could count on the inconsistency, as much as I could count on the dysfunctionality, and everything else).
My point to all this is that this Mother's Day is weighing heavily on me. Just thinking about this upcoming holiday is difficult. I wish I could just move to some foreign country where they don't celebrate Mother's Day...just until it's over. I'm glad everyone else is honoring their mothers this year...I just can't handle being reminded every day for the next few weeks that I'm not honoring mine.
I was just kind of happily moseying along, minding my own business, not thinking about my estranged mother, when all of a sudden, everyone and their...well...mother...started talking about Mother's Day all at once. I've been doing so well in this mother-less state of mind...it was rude to jolt me out of it. Not that I can fault anyone...mothers do deserve their own day to be honored, cherished, pampered...I desperately wish I could do these things for my own mother. And it's not that she doesn't deserve it. By virtue of the fact that she willingly shared her body with me for nine whole months, went through the ordeal of labor (which I've seen twice, and I know it doesn't exactly tickle), and the fact that I survived my childhood (barely), well those are all the requirements for motherhood, and therefore, she deserves to be honored, cherished, and pampered.
I was going to explain why I can't honor my mother this year on Mother's Day...but those whose mothers are Narcissistic will "get it" without explanation, and those whose mothers aren't...just won't. No matter what I say, the response would be, "well, did you try _____? I'm sure she loves you. She couldn't have meant it that way." Yeah, she did. Trust me. I grew up with this woman, I know what she did when she had me alone, when she knew no one would ever find out. I don't have to explain it. Besides...I'm just not in the mood to revisit all my childhood trauma right now. Just a little chunk is all I can handle today.
This will be the first Mother's Day in my entire life that I will not at least make some sort of attempt to acknowledge my mother's motherhood. At this point in my life, my lack of communication with my family is necessary. I'd like to think that I will one day be able to have some sort of relationship with them, and still be able to keep myself safe...I just haven't figured out how to do that yet, and right now, I don't have the emotional energy to deal with unsafe relationships. So, as much as it pains me, I'm going to have to skip right over this Mother's Day without so much as a howdy do to my own mother.
This must seem very confusing. I want so much to talk to my mom, to love her, to hold her, to be in her presence...and yet, I'm fuming angry with her, can't stand her, don't want anything to do with her, and cringe at the thought of my phone ringing and seeing her number pop up. I would love nothing in the world so much as if I could give my mom a Mother's Day card and mean every word of it from the bottom of my heart...but I also know that no matter what I say, it will be used against me. (I gave my mom a card once because she was really down on herself, and I was trying to make her feel better...she turned every word around until it was so twisted and deformed that my original message was unrecognizable...and she convinced my dad that I had given her the card just to tell her what a horrible person she is. I still don't even know what to do with that information...how do you react to something like that? This was years ago, and I'm still at a loss about it.)
So, if this seems confusing...well, it is. During the holidays, I was angry that my mom didn't even bother TRYING to call me. However, if she had tried, I wouldn't have answered, and I would have been angry that she had violated my boundaries after I specifically asked for no contact. Nothing makes sense anymore when it comes to my family. Not that it ever did...but at least the dysfunctional, abusive, narcissistic, crazy patterns of my youth were consistent (well, they were inconsistent, but I could count on the inconsistency, as much as I could count on the dysfunctionality, and everything else).
My point to all this is that this Mother's Day is weighing heavily on me. Just thinking about this upcoming holiday is difficult. I wish I could just move to some foreign country where they don't celebrate Mother's Day...just until it's over. I'm glad everyone else is honoring their mothers this year...I just can't handle being reminded every day for the next few weeks that I'm not honoring mine.
Friday, April 17, 2009
Bein' Lazy
Oh my, I have been such a lazy bones lately about my blog. Posting reruns...psh, what's wrong with me? But, there is something to be said for laziness. I don't know if any of you do this, but I have "pajama days". I don't get out of my pj's all day long. I used to plan a day every week to do this. That day was always Saturday. I would pop in Mystery Science Theater 3000 (need to do an entry about that, too), which my dad would video tape for me every week since I hate tv and refused to pay for it...and during the commercials, I would rush around the house cleaning. By the end of the day, I had gotten my exercise (running around cleaning, up and down the stairs to do laundry, and of course, laughing my buns off...literally), AND had a nice, relaxing day to boot!
Maybe part of the reason I've been taking so many "pajama days" lately is because I don't plan them anymore. It was much easier to do when I was single, had my own place, and didn't need to schedule my activities around another person. I keep trying to get back into a routine, and I just kind of putter along, and eventually my engine dies...again...
Man, this is turning out to be a depressing blog entry! It's not intended to, I promise! The point is, I love being lazy sometimes! Just for giggles, here are my favorite clothes to wear on my pj days:
(I know, I know...my pictures are horrible...but unless I can get Shannon to start taking my pictures for me, they're just going to keep on sucking.) On the left are my blue plaid big dog pj pants, which have an enormous rip right down the outside of the left thigh, and I just don't care...and on the right is a tank top I've had for right around 10 years. Do you ever have those clothes that you just don't understand how they're still around after so many years of hard use? This shirt is one of them. This is one of my favorite pieces of clothing, so I've worn it - and washed it - thousands of times. In the Summer, I practically live in this shirt. And it does not have a single hole in it, it's not faded, and for some reason, it fits me perfectly whether I'm a size 16 or somewhere pushing 30 (all of which I've been since owning this shirt).
Another thing I really like to do, if I'm taking a "true" pajama day (which is always topped off by some quality self-care time) is taking bubble baths! A few years back, my brother in law gave me this awesome thing:
Now, this nifty light box has got to be one of my very favorite things. It lights up in various patterns, and it plays four different soothing melodies. I like to have this playing while I'm in the tub, and maybe have a few candles burning, too. And some incense. Before my genius brother in law gave this light box to me, I just had candles and Lenny Kravitz. Not that candles and Lenny Kravitz are bad, mind you...but this thing is just so cool, and it remains cool after 2 1/2 years of use.
After my fabulous bubble bath, I usually end my lazy days by giving myself a facial, painting my nails, or shaving. [Shaving? Yes, shaving.] My legs usually look like an overgrown forest, and I normally don't care. (I blame it on being a hippie-ish sort of chick, but really, I just hate shaving and don't care what people think of my fuzzy legs.) So, on those rare occasions when I do shave, it's always a treat, and I try to make it special by using some sort of yummy smelling lotion, or (preferably) some Earth Dragon Herbals stuff. (I tried finding a link, but apparently the site has been taken down. Due to the economy, and various unfortunate circumstances, I believe the business has gone under. Poo.)
Oh, and the very BEST part of my lazy pajama days? Going to bed whenever I darn well please...which usually means that this is my first whole day off. The next day, I'll get dressed and go buy car parts or pay bills...but that first whole day off...it's gold, if I use it right.
Maybe part of the reason I've been taking so many "pajama days" lately is because I don't plan them anymore. It was much easier to do when I was single, had my own place, and didn't need to schedule my activities around another person. I keep trying to get back into a routine, and I just kind of putter along, and eventually my engine dies...again...
Man, this is turning out to be a depressing blog entry! It's not intended to, I promise! The point is, I love being lazy sometimes! Just for giggles, here are my favorite clothes to wear on my pj days:
(I know, I know...my pictures are horrible...but unless I can get Shannon to start taking my pictures for me, they're just going to keep on sucking.) On the left are my blue plaid big dog pj pants, which have an enormous rip right down the outside of the left thigh, and I just don't care...and on the right is a tank top I've had for right around 10 years. Do you ever have those clothes that you just don't understand how they're still around after so many years of hard use? This shirt is one of them. This is one of my favorite pieces of clothing, so I've worn it - and washed it - thousands of times. In the Summer, I practically live in this shirt. And it does not have a single hole in it, it's not faded, and for some reason, it fits me perfectly whether I'm a size 16 or somewhere pushing 30 (all of which I've been since owning this shirt).Another thing I really like to do, if I'm taking a "true" pajama day (which is always topped off by some quality self-care time) is taking bubble baths! A few years back, my brother in law gave me this awesome thing:
Now, this nifty light box has got to be one of my very favorite things. It lights up in various patterns, and it plays four different soothing melodies. I like to have this playing while I'm in the tub, and maybe have a few candles burning, too. And some incense. Before my genius brother in law gave this light box to me, I just had candles and Lenny Kravitz. Not that candles and Lenny Kravitz are bad, mind you...but this thing is just so cool, and it remains cool after 2 1/2 years of use.
After my fabulous bubble bath, I usually end my lazy days by giving myself a facial, painting my nails, or shaving. [Shaving? Yes, shaving.] My legs usually look like an overgrown forest, and I normally don't care. (I blame it on being a hippie-ish sort of chick, but really, I just hate shaving and don't care what people think of my fuzzy legs.) So, on those rare occasions when I do shave, it's always a treat, and I try to make it special by using some sort of yummy smelling lotion, or (preferably) some Earth Dragon Herbals stuff. (I tried finding a link, but apparently the site has been taken down. Due to the economy, and various unfortunate circumstances, I believe the business has gone under. Poo.)
Oh, and the very BEST part of my lazy pajama days? Going to bed whenever I darn well please...which usually means that this is my first whole day off. The next day, I'll get dressed and go buy car parts or pay bills...but that first whole day off...it's gold, if I use it right.
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