Grandma

My grandma died 10 years ago.  I've mentioned this before.  I have probably also mentioned that I didn't grieve.  In my family, I was the caretaker...I took care of everyone else, and was proud of my ability to be stoic in the face of tragedy.  At the time, I didn't realize that I'd eventually grieve whether I wanted to or not, and that it would probably come upon me in inopportune moments or in inappropriate ways, coming out as anger at my loved ones, or bawling fits at work.  I just had a "grandma moment"...but this one happened to be a gentle one...the most gentle one I've had in a LONG time, in fact.  I started to post on facebook, but it just kept going and going, and I felt it deserved a blog post.

What an odd thought I just had: "I think I'll go visit my grandma soon." I used to be able to just take off and go see her whenever I wanted, and it wasn't entirely odd for me to just drop by on my way somewhere. I miss her in an odd sort of way...the way the sun felt on my face in her yard, the way my whole being just dropped all the weight of "life" and relaxed into "grandma's space", the way I could just not think about anything as long as I was there. My soul misses grandma time, my skin misses grandma's sun, wind, air, water...all those things (though they were the same everywhere) were different at grandma's house. Everything felt different there. The air sang with gentle, loving, warm contentedness. My heart was at home in grandma's presence.

A side note before I finish that line of thinking:  I may have mentioned also that I'm the black sheep of my family.  My sister is exactly like my mom, personality-wise, and she is the oldest (which somehow translates to most responsible)...my brother is the only boy and the baby.  So, they both have a solid, welcome place in the family.  I, however, am a lesbian, a Pagan, I'm not easily pushed into believing things that don't make sense, I despise discrimination...and all of these things make me not fit in.  My mom recently confirmed that I have no place in my family and disowned me permanently.  I have felt often in my life that I don't truly belong anywhere...I certainly don't belong with my family.  The people who created me don't want me.  And THEY are MY people...I came directly from them, I wouldn't be here if it weren't for them...if I were to belong anywhere, it would be with them.  I recounted in another blog how I discovered that I do have a place where I belong, but it is not a place on this Earth...the one place I know I truly belong is by my Love's side.  But she will never be MY people, my blood, my family.  My soul chose hers, and that is wonderful.  But family should love each other unconditionally simply because they are family, and mine does not.  

 Ok, back on track: I realized while processing through this feeling of missing my grandma that SHE was the one person on Earth that I truly belonged with, who I had a warm, loving, peaceful connection with that was born of more primal stuff than choice.  I share DNA with her, she connects me to my ancestors, my people, my heritage, back to the beginning of time, the way my parents and my other grandparents do...but she was the ONLY person I am a direct descendent of who truly loved me unconditionally.  With her death, I lost the one place on Earth that I truly belonged.

 That sense of peace, the simpler quality of the sun, the bare essence of the air, the Earthy presence of the water in my grandma's presence...that state of being between the worlds when I was with her, existed because the rules of the world did not share that space.  My grandma loved and accepted me unconditionally, simply because I was created from the stuff that came from her.  I am her daughter's daughter, and that is all there is, that is all that mattered to her.  She didn't care one whit if I held the same beliefs as her, if I discriminated against the people she discriminated against, if I loved the same gender she loved, if I followed society's rules, if I embarrassed her...when in my grandma's presence, the ONLY thing that mattered was the blood we shared, the primal, indivisible cord that connects generations of people who share DNA.  She did not care what I became, or what I was, or what defined me, or what I chose to do.  I was good enough simply by the fact of my existence.  That state of being was a cradle for my soul...and now has no place to thrive in this world, because my grandma took herself out of it.

Secure Men

Sitting at a friend's house today, I was reminded of one of my absolute favorite things...topping the list (and as you can see, I have a LOT of favorite things).  Men who are secure enough in their masculinity that they are able and willing to show their feminine side.  This friend has a significant other who I really adore, for so many reasons.  He has long fingernails.  He loves unconditionally, openly, and fiercely.  And he has no qualms whatsoever about sitting in a room full of women, belting out Adele.  I'm so glad men like him exist.  He is fearless in his display of who he is.  I hope many, many young men are influenced by him.  And I hope many, many young people (of both genders) will see him and know that men like him are not as rare as they seem.

BOOBS!

...Or more specifically, crocheted boobs.  I've got boobs coming out of my ears, folks, and I love them all!  There are boob hats: Which are great for nursing moms, breast cancer awareness, women's issues awareness, or just because you (like me) just enjoy boobs so much.

Then there are boob hats with hemp nipples: Which are great for the more nature conscious nursing mom, breast cancer/women's issues awareness person, or perv.  ;-)

Or a key chain: For the perv on the go...or you know, awareness stuff.

Or pillows? Because even pervs gotta rest their necks!  And you need to be aware of things like boobs...and nursing, women's health, blah blah...

Anyway, I'm just really loving all these items.  First off, every item you see above is my own creation, and not from anyone else's pattern.  I have yet to perfect the pattern for the boobie pillow, but the others I have down pat.  A friend will be selling my hemp-nipple hats at Hemp Stalk this year, and all the above items are available on my etsy shop (click the picture and it will take you to the listing).  In the works: a boobie scarf!  Boobs are awesome.  *giggle*

Eggs

Random, I know.  I'm sitting here eating my breakfast (at 1:30 pm), and it's the same breakfast I have almost every day.  I LOVE eggs.  My body craves protein in the morning...eggs, meat, cheese...but mostly eggs.  It's very rare for me to not want eggs for breakfast (or some other time of the day, if I missed my eggs for breakfast), and it usually involves being sick or needing some other nutrients badly enough that it overrides my desire for eggs.  If I could own a few chickens, I would be a happy camper.

That's all...just eggs...that's one of my favorite things.  :-)

Etsy

(I'd apologize for the long absence, but I wouldn't mean it...I've been busy being in love...party on.)

So I recently discovered etsy.  I had heard of it, but never really explored it.  But my crocheting has picked up tremendously, and I've been getting really brave...and I'm impressed enough with what I've been producing that I figured it was about time to stop playing around and start selling my stuff.  This blog post isn't about pimping myself out (although, if you want to check me out, please do...I'm really proud of my stuff!).  It's about one of my (new) favorite things...etsy! 

I think my first real experience with etsy was just hearing so many people talk about it.  It sounded like SUCH a better deal than ebay (it is...way), and I was excited that it was specifically for crafters like me.  I learned later that it's not just for crafters, but that was the BIG pull for me.  I saw some of my friends selling their handcrafted items on etsy, and it sounded like fun...not just money.  THAT appealed to me hugely.

I think the final draw for me was a friend on facebook who also crochets, who was making insanely creative zombie dolls and selling them.  I LOVED her stuff.  And I realized that I have skills that might one day match hers, if I put in a little effort.  Here's her shop (although it's currently closed).

My partner and I both have etsy shops now, and I'm so excited about how well they're going!  What have been your experiences with etsy?